After secretly meeting with GOP operatives in daily strategy sessions during the last two weeks, Kyle Mayor Todd Webster announced today he has agreed to lead an all-city team to Cleveland to wrest the Republican presidential nomination from beleaguered front-runner Donald Trump.
Webster said he will bypass the remainder of the Republican primaries since it’s too late to get on those ballots and those elections are essentially meaningless anyway and instead concentrate on the delegate selection process. In fact, he said he has already dispatched Mayor Pro Tem David Wilson and fellow council member Shane Arabie to infiltrate the various state conventions to insure delegates committed to Webster are selected in those gatherings for the national convention.
Webster has even gone so far as to select a running mate: council member Daphne Tenorio.
"Usually a running mate balances a ticket geographically, but this one will be balanced ideologically," Webster said. "She and I agree on absolutely nothing."
"I promise I’ll be criticizing the nominee and his staff during the entire process," Tenorio echoed. "I have already compiled a list of more than a thousand questions I want his chief of staff to answer by the end of the day."
What Webster and Tenorio did agree on, however, is that Isis is not real threat facing this nation,
"It’s truck stops," Webster said. "They are the scourge of this nation. Truckers just don’t fill up with gas there. They just don’t eat there. They just don’t have casual sex with those who frequent these establishments. They actually stop there. In fact, that’s where those places get that name."
"No only that," Tenorio echoed, "but those places are known to be selling counterfeit 8-track tapes and VHS movies. We need to carpet bomb them into oblivion."
It is believed that this Republican insurrection from a small, but rapidly growing, bedroom community in Central Texas will cause some consternation and pushback from the camps of Trump and his principle challenger Ted Cruz. That’s why Webster has instructed council member Damon Fogley to be on standby in case either one suffers a coronary over the mayor’s moves.
"Yes, we intend to protect all our citizens, even those from the idiot class," Webster said.
Council members Diane Hervol and Becky Selbera, co-chairs of "Women for Webster," both said they will be stressing the ticket’s economic message: "Shop local."
"The Republican Party knows it must prevent Donald Trump from being the nominee if the party hopes to survive and hold its giant New Year’s celebration," said Jeremiah Tinhorn, government professor at the University of Texas at Buda. "But the party, which will really go into high gear with wild celebrations after the Final Four, hasn’t coalesced around an alternative to Trump or even an alternative to not having a nominee at all. Webster and Tenorio are just trying to fill that void or any other void that’s around."
Democratic challenger Hillary Clinton said she sent Webster and Tenorio an e-mail from her smart phone, but it was Top Secret so she refused to divulge it’s contents. Sen. Bernie Sanders said the Webster-Tenorio ticket is "just another example of what happens when the top 1 percent controls all the truck stops in America."
The national media, as part of the overall political conspiracy, decided en masse to completely ignore this new development.
This is great news for the city of Kyle. Maybe now we can get something accomplished in the city with the entire council engaged on the national scene.
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