Mayor Travis Mitchell announced today that he will be seeking a new G zoning designation so that ghettos will be able to locate in Kyle.
"Kyle is growing rapidly," Mitchell said. "We are becoming a major city, but unlike most great major cities we don’t have any ghetto areas. I am convinced this new zoning designation will help us become a destination city for some of the great ghettos of America."
City Planner Howard Koontz said he was open to the idea, although he admitted when he first learned of Mitchell’s plans he thought the mayor was referring to grottos, not ghettos.
Mitchell said the G zoning areas should be located in the areas of the city already known for their density.
"Smart growth says you add density where density already exists," Mitchell said. "Because the area along Cromwell Drive is likely to become a high density ghetto anyway, that would be a good area for our first G zoning designation."
Council member Daphne Tenorio said she adamantly opposed the idea.
"Hey, I’m against anything the mayor is for," she said. "But we must remember we are a rural community and should work like hell to remain a rural community. Therefore I’m countering the mayor’s proposal by seeking a new zoning designation of my own — T for tenant farms. We need far more tenant farmers in Kyle to maintain our rural identity."
Koontz said he was open to the idea, although he admitted when he first learned of Tenorio’s plans he wondered how many people, other than campers, would like to live on tent farms.
City Manager Scott Sellers said he was leaning in yet another direction.
"I think we should develop an M zoning where we can locate businesses dedicated to fostering higher mathematics," Seller said. "If we could accomplish that, the next step would be to have Kyle designated as the Pi Capital of Texas."
Koontz said he was open to the idea, although he admitted when he first learned of Sellers’ plan he thought the city manager was referring to fraternities.
All three proposals brought a swift reaction from the White House.
"All those people in @Kyle should be fired," President Trump tweeted. "I never touched that woman."
The Kyle Report
Showing posts with label April Fools. Show all posts
Showing posts with label April Fools. Show all posts
Sunday, April 1, 2018
Saturday, April 1, 2017
Tenorio tweets mayor ordered phone taps that almost derailed Texas annexation
City Council member Daphne Tenorio, an outspoken foe of forced annexations, tweeted today that Mayor Todd Webster authorized tapping the phones of her ancestors that resulted in the U.S. Senate’s ultimate acceptance of a treaty that annexed Texas into the United States after those ancestors had earlier defeated a similar attempt a couple of months earlier.
Webster countered that (1) contrary to widespread public belief, he wasn’t even alive in 1844 when these events allegedly took place and (2) a wiretap would have been impossible because the telephone was not invented until 32 years after the annexation.
Tenorio labeled Webster’s assertions as "alternative facts."
The entire affair raises questions over whether the Mexican government deliberately interfered in actions — specifically through the spreading of disinformation — that resulted in the Senate’s June rejection, by a significant margin, of the so-called Treaty of Annexation signed on April 12, 1844. There are also questions about whether anyone living in Texas cooperated with Mexican officials in this alleged interference into our government processes.
Tenorio claims that by tapping her ancestors’ phones, Webster discovered their strategy that led to the Senate defeat of then President John Tyler’s treaty in June 1844 and thus was able to engineer the election later that year of James K. Polk who, together with Tyler, managed to get the joint resolution through Congress on March 1, 1845. As any good Texas student can attest, Texas was ultimately annexed on Dec. 29.
Although there have been no claims involving whether the Mexican government used a similar pattern of spreading disinformation to affect the outcome of the 1844 presidential election, Kyle’s Chief of Staff Jerry Hendrix has told Police Chief Jeff Barnett he has "a good story to tell" and he’s willing to tell it over a couple of adult beverages, but only if Barnett, as well as the City Council, grants him complete immunity.
When Barnett was asked about this he responded "Are you kidding me?"
Meanwhile, Assistant City Manager James Earp hastily called a news conference outside City Manager Scott Sellers’s home to announce he had come into possession of some highly classified information regarding these allegations, but refused to say what that information was.
"It’s highly classified," he would only say. "So my lips are sealed."
He then excused himself and went back inside the manager’s residence to brief Sellers about the information he had received earlier from inside the manager’s residence.
Earp's news conference led to a widespread outcry from many concerned Kyle residents.
"You mean to tell us the city manager has a residence?" they yelled. "Who does he think he is? What gives him the right to have a residence? We are demanding answers about this from our elected officials."
Webster countered that (1) contrary to widespread public belief, he wasn’t even alive in 1844 when these events allegedly took place and (2) a wiretap would have been impossible because the telephone was not invented until 32 years after the annexation.
Tenorio labeled Webster’s assertions as "alternative facts."
The entire affair raises questions over whether the Mexican government deliberately interfered in actions — specifically through the spreading of disinformation — that resulted in the Senate’s June rejection, by a significant margin, of the so-called Treaty of Annexation signed on April 12, 1844. There are also questions about whether anyone living in Texas cooperated with Mexican officials in this alleged interference into our government processes.
Tenorio claims that by tapping her ancestors’ phones, Webster discovered their strategy that led to the Senate defeat of then President John Tyler’s treaty in June 1844 and thus was able to engineer the election later that year of James K. Polk who, together with Tyler, managed to get the joint resolution through Congress on March 1, 1845. As any good Texas student can attest, Texas was ultimately annexed on Dec. 29.
Although there have been no claims involving whether the Mexican government used a similar pattern of spreading disinformation to affect the outcome of the 1844 presidential election, Kyle’s Chief of Staff Jerry Hendrix has told Police Chief Jeff Barnett he has "a good story to tell" and he’s willing to tell it over a couple of adult beverages, but only if Barnett, as well as the City Council, grants him complete immunity.
When Barnett was asked about this he responded "Are you kidding me?"
Meanwhile, Assistant City Manager James Earp hastily called a news conference outside City Manager Scott Sellers’s home to announce he had come into possession of some highly classified information regarding these allegations, but refused to say what that information was.
"It’s highly classified," he would only say. "So my lips are sealed."
He then excused himself and went back inside the manager’s residence to brief Sellers about the information he had received earlier from inside the manager’s residence.
Earp's news conference led to a widespread outcry from many concerned Kyle residents.
"You mean to tell us the city manager has a residence?" they yelled. "Who does he think he is? What gives him the right to have a residence? We are demanding answers about this from our elected officials."
Friday, April 1, 2016
Kyle mayor joins stop Trump movement, agrees to be GOP nominee
After secretly meeting with GOP operatives in daily strategy sessions during the last two weeks, Kyle Mayor Todd Webster announced today he has agreed to lead an all-city team to Cleveland to wrest the Republican presidential nomination from beleaguered front-runner Donald Trump.
Webster said he will bypass the remainder of the Republican primaries since it’s too late to get on those ballots and those elections are essentially meaningless anyway and instead concentrate on the delegate selection process. In fact, he said he has already dispatched Mayor Pro Tem David Wilson and fellow council member Shane Arabie to infiltrate the various state conventions to insure delegates committed to Webster are selected in those gatherings for the national convention.
Webster has even gone so far as to select a running mate: council member Daphne Tenorio.
"Usually a running mate balances a ticket geographically, but this one will be balanced ideologically," Webster said. "She and I agree on absolutely nothing."
"I promise I’ll be criticizing the nominee and his staff during the entire process," Tenorio echoed. "I have already compiled a list of more than a thousand questions I want his chief of staff to answer by the end of the day."
What Webster and Tenorio did agree on, however, is that Isis is not real threat facing this nation,
"It’s truck stops," Webster said. "They are the scourge of this nation. Truckers just don’t fill up with gas there. They just don’t eat there. They just don’t have casual sex with those who frequent these establishments. They actually stop there. In fact, that’s where those places get that name."
"No only that," Tenorio echoed, "but those places are known to be selling counterfeit 8-track tapes and VHS movies. We need to carpet bomb them into oblivion."
It is believed that this Republican insurrection from a small, but rapidly growing, bedroom community in Central Texas will cause some consternation and pushback from the camps of Trump and his principle challenger Ted Cruz. That’s why Webster has instructed council member Damon Fogley to be on standby in case either one suffers a coronary over the mayor’s moves.
"Yes, we intend to protect all our citizens, even those from the idiot class," Webster said.
Council members Diane Hervol and Becky Selbera, co-chairs of "Women for Webster," both said they will be stressing the ticket’s economic message: "Shop local."
"The Republican Party knows it must prevent Donald Trump from being the nominee if the party hopes to survive and hold its giant New Year’s celebration," said Jeremiah Tinhorn, government professor at the University of Texas at Buda. "But the party, which will really go into high gear with wild celebrations after the Final Four, hasn’t coalesced around an alternative to Trump or even an alternative to not having a nominee at all. Webster and Tenorio are just trying to fill that void or any other void that’s around."
Democratic challenger Hillary Clinton said she sent Webster and Tenorio an e-mail from her smart phone, but it was Top Secret so she refused to divulge it’s contents. Sen. Bernie Sanders said the Webster-Tenorio ticket is "just another example of what happens when the top 1 percent controls all the truck stops in America."
The national media, as part of the overall political conspiracy, decided en masse to completely ignore this new development.
Webster said he will bypass the remainder of the Republican primaries since it’s too late to get on those ballots and those elections are essentially meaningless anyway and instead concentrate on the delegate selection process. In fact, he said he has already dispatched Mayor Pro Tem David Wilson and fellow council member Shane Arabie to infiltrate the various state conventions to insure delegates committed to Webster are selected in those gatherings for the national convention.
Webster has even gone so far as to select a running mate: council member Daphne Tenorio.
"Usually a running mate balances a ticket geographically, but this one will be balanced ideologically," Webster said. "She and I agree on absolutely nothing."
"I promise I’ll be criticizing the nominee and his staff during the entire process," Tenorio echoed. "I have already compiled a list of more than a thousand questions I want his chief of staff to answer by the end of the day."
What Webster and Tenorio did agree on, however, is that Isis is not real threat facing this nation,
"It’s truck stops," Webster said. "They are the scourge of this nation. Truckers just don’t fill up with gas there. They just don’t eat there. They just don’t have casual sex with those who frequent these establishments. They actually stop there. In fact, that’s where those places get that name."
"No only that," Tenorio echoed, "but those places are known to be selling counterfeit 8-track tapes and VHS movies. We need to carpet bomb them into oblivion."
It is believed that this Republican insurrection from a small, but rapidly growing, bedroom community in Central Texas will cause some consternation and pushback from the camps of Trump and his principle challenger Ted Cruz. That’s why Webster has instructed council member Damon Fogley to be on standby in case either one suffers a coronary over the mayor’s moves.
"Yes, we intend to protect all our citizens, even those from the idiot class," Webster said.
Council members Diane Hervol and Becky Selbera, co-chairs of "Women for Webster," both said they will be stressing the ticket’s economic message: "Shop local."
"The Republican Party knows it must prevent Donald Trump from being the nominee if the party hopes to survive and hold its giant New Year’s celebration," said Jeremiah Tinhorn, government professor at the University of Texas at Buda. "But the party, which will really go into high gear with wild celebrations after the Final Four, hasn’t coalesced around an alternative to Trump or even an alternative to not having a nominee at all. Webster and Tenorio are just trying to fill that void or any other void that’s around."
Democratic challenger Hillary Clinton said she sent Webster and Tenorio an e-mail from her smart phone, but it was Top Secret so she refused to divulge it’s contents. Sen. Bernie Sanders said the Webster-Tenorio ticket is "just another example of what happens when the top 1 percent controls all the truck stops in America."
The national media, as part of the overall political conspiracy, decided en masse to completely ignore this new development.
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